It is funny how flexible or uncertain my ideas can be. I say it as I think of how many times malice has taken over me and made me see human beings at their worse, like when you unite all their bad habits and cruel actions and no longer trust anyone. In fact, you shall not really trust anyone, not even yourself if you are vulnerable and lack self-control. Life has many dilemmas and some of them are solitude and togetherness. I tell you, if you spend too much time with people conflicts will arise. Sometimes, conflicts that makes you long for isolation. In the other hand if you isolate yourself for too long you get overwhelmed by loneliness. Balance is the obvious answer here, but for me, the solution would be thinking less.

Not awake before noon

Cloudy Cold Day Today.

I don't have any cravings besides for sleeping. Depression? I hope that is not the case. I don't even enjoy doing the things I used to enjoy like taking pictures. I've become so negative that when I think of photographing I automatically predict that the picture wont look good so why bother taking it. I also don't find so nice to write a lot about myself or my insane thoughts here. I just feel that I need to get my mind empty, remove words out of it (as if it is possible). I've decided to do some changes in my life and the first one will be reducing the amount of sugar I eat, it doesnt really have much to do with my mental problems , but it sounds like a challenging mature thing to do. I ate chocolate cake today, tasted good. Then I had a latte with two tea spoons of sugar , tomorrow I will make it one. Now I should go to sleep because going to bed earlier is another challenge, well its 02:14am but still, I am in the dark and after being in the dark for a while I start seeing things, I fear, fear of things that are not even here, but when my cat stares at those things I feel a bit scared...what a baby.

Please Sleep Stefany.

Sometimes I see myself from a bird's view.. going higher until I see houses, states, earth, universe. Then I get scared of being where I am, upside down. I get scared and complex and nothing matters much, once I don't know much. So I close my eyes and I can feel my body sinking, it feels good, it is slightly similar to feeling drunk.. oh the power of the brain. It doesnt want to sleep, so the coffee I sip.

I want to drive that car,(it could be red tho) write and eat cigarette candies and nothing else.

I find Sundays extremely boring, no matter what I do. Perhaps due to the unpleasantness it brings to my stomach when I think of Monday. I have been writing these days, writing anything. I have been writing back to my pen pals as well. Hopefully I will manage to send the letters back this week. Well at this time there's nothing more I can do besides watch a film and drink Amarula. x

You know what, well let me tell you up front that I will be pretty negative in this post and that is because I feel like writing what I feel at the moment. I feel really tired, I feel tired of saying the word 'tired'. I don't know, I get this bad feeling about days, and life. Sometimes I don't even know how to explain it properly. I get tired of this blog, and of myself and people and I don't know what to do. I don't longer know what I really like, or how I want my life to be. And the worst thing, I get annoyed by positive people that generally says 'oh, stop complaining life is great, you gotta go for what you want and be happy'. Oh screw that, if I sound dramatic or depressing I don't longer care, at least not today not at this very second. I might walk into the kitchen to eat a toast and all of the sudden I will feel inspired and bloody happy. Of course this is very unlikely to happen. But who knows! I'm just tired of feeling tired and not physically. But in the other hand I'm okay emotionally. So I don't know what the heck is wrong with me. I wish I was normal. I wish I wouldn't think too much about life.. and I wish I would care a little less or perhaps I should care a little more. Sometimes I wish I could change my name, move out of the city and dye my hair black with bangs, and act totally different.I might do it someday or maybe not. In the mean time I'll be myself.

take me to a farm, with starry sky and let's swim every night

“My ambition is handicapped by laziness”
― Charles Bukowski, Factotum

Fireworks, milk and Justin Bieber

The title resumes the photos. I've been wearing boots, drinking milk, gazing at fireworks, cause it was fireworks day you know. I think it's nice, but when I was younger I was really scared by its noise and I always thought the sparkles would fall on me and burn me. I got over it. The last picture was taken in Westfield shopping centre, at the day Justin Bieber launched something I can't recall. Anyway it was quite packed with girls as you can imagine. And it was absolutely pleasant funny thing to observe. I didn't see Bieber, because they've put curtains around the stage and only people who arrived earlier got to actually see him. But the best thing was seeing girls crying over him and screaming. Gosh! I guess it is quite bizarre, adoring so much another human being, and I personally don't understand why certain fans cry when they see their idols, come on what is wrong with you? haha, but I think they shouldn't quit doing it, because it's such a fun thing to watch. It entertains me. Shame! but they might regret doing such things later (I hope), you always feel ashamed of something you did in the past.

overdosing with you

I've just returned home from Exeter, I took a few pictures but they are not really good. I will edit them before posting, perhaps they get to look a bit better. Sorry my blog has been boring lately. I guess bloggin gets tiresome sometimes. Even though I can blog either I want to or not but I think it became a habit. I'll quit this habit for a while haha. Good night,,,,,,,,I need an eye test, maybe I'll need glasses. :(

Stop and stare.

There I was sitting on the tube, packed of people. Fortunately I was sitting really comfortably but with nothing to do, no music, no books to read. My only option was either sleep or try to look out of the window behind a guy who was sitting towards me. I was really trying to stare at the widonw behind him, but most of the time his face was on the way. That was when I started feeling embarassed once he kept staring at me, So I started looking at people's feet, I was even getting tired of looking down. Then I remembered I had my analogue camera with me. There it was my salvation, entertain myself unloading the film. Little did I know it wasn't fully unloaded when I opened the back of the camera to check it. Disappointment, disappointment. Why am I so fool. What I learnt from this experience is that I will always stare at people on the tube or I shall never unload my film while I am in the train. These pictures I took on my way back to London. I spent the weekend in Milton Keynes. Did you guys see the rainbow yesterday? that is if you live in London :) x

Sick

One nightmare night. For a long time I had forgotten how is to actually feel sick. Unfortunately I was cruelly reminded. Taking pills, feeling nauseous and the worst thing in the world - vomiting. Everytime I get sick I tell myself to do everything possible before vomiting. But no matter how hard you try, it is uncontrollable. Sooner or later you will vomit. There is nothing more disgusting and unpleasant than vomiting. (there is actually, - die suffocated on your own vomit). Only when I get sick, I realize that is really bad being sick. When I was younger I used to wish so bad to get sick in order to skip classes and be loved and take cared of by my whole family, and to get gifts and everything I wanted to eat. But when you are actually sick things are not great as you have pictured. You will bunk college and get treated well, but you might end up in a hospital and all the gifts or great food in the world won't make you feel better. When I was younger I was hospitalized twelve times with pneumonia. After vomiting the whole night also made think about people that actually force themselves to purge for the purpose of weigh loss . Honestly?

Now I lie here slowly sipping tea, feeling like a retiree.

Can I be fixed?

The radio plays a song from the film '1408'. I like the song, but it always reminds me of that film. And that is not a nice film to be thinking of at night time. I'm not scared anyway. I'm just lying on my bed in a really uncomfortable position. I've got only one pillow and my hands burn as I touch them on the overheated laptop which is placed on a cushion over my lap. I have just finished watching a film called'Just Friends'. And I can't sleep. It has just stopped raining, Unfortunately. Besides staring at this screen for the whole night I drink coffee. Okay I just decided to talk about my day now. Sorry! but I want to, read it if you want to.

I went to the hospital in the morning with my mother. She went to get her mamography results. Hopefully everything is fine with her. But while we were waiting to see the doctor. I heard a talk between the doctor and some patient's relatives. They were crying, and I heard them saying something regarding to Chemotherapy. It was a really sad thing to see. Specially because it was in the pediatric section. That made me want to live my life in a intense way. Besides I just finished reading the book called 'Before I fall'. Dying young is actually sad. So I will definetely stop complaining about my life! (at least for a while.) I guess I feel positive today.

(Pictures I took for my project named Superstitions).

Good night. I will start this post by saying how tired I feel, gosh I'm knackered. My legs hurt and my arms, I guess its due to the things I did today. I'm gonna tell you about my day. But don't get excited cause it wasnt good or glamorous.(a glamours day? haha glamours sounds corny).

07:16 I got up, grouchy as usual.. I did dress up fast but I take ages to leave the house I dont know why but I dont like leaving, I procrastinate.

08:30 Waiting for the bus, I always miss it, when i turn the corner the bus is already there in the bus stop. I never run to get it, because drivers are MEAN, yes they might be unhappy with their job our personal life so they are not nice, if I run to get it they will close the door and leave and I will be like ' Fine I am not in a hurry anyway, I dont mind waiting for the next one.

09:00 I went to the post office, I wonder if someday I will arive at the post office and there wont be a queue, there is always a line of people, ALWAYS.

09:10 Went to get the bus to go to college, when the bus arrives I feel like I am in a jungle, people are not civilized when busses arrive at the bus stop, everyone wants to be the first to get in, so they act like animals pushing and etc. Some of them take too long to touch their oyster cards or to move down inside the bus. I found an available seat on the upper deck. Feeling tired I almost leaned my head against the glass window, that was when I looked at the glass and reminded myself that I should never do it because the glass is always dirty, there is always something like a white greasy liquid on it. I bet its something from peoples head, disgusting. I dont know if its due to the fact that people dont wash their heads or to some kinda of gel they use.

10:00 Arrived at college, didnt get the elevator I always climb the stairs. My classroom is in the third floor. Although climbing rounds of stairs makes me tired its better than getting the lift I dont think its really safe.

12:09 Lunch time, I went down to Costa (there is a costa in my college in the foyer)the coffee is cheaper there.

12:19 Got the bus to Camden Town, bought a skirt and pancakes.. oh haribo too. Then I got the bus to a part time job at hair salon. At work I haven't done much cause there wasnt much to be done.

04:50 Went back home, oh how good is going back home. Although when I got home I did a spring cleaning on my wardrobe and in my room; The results are my tired weak poor body, but the room is really comfy though.

Now its 00:55 and I am editing pictures for a project. I cant sleep even though I am so tired. I cant really understand it haha! Anyway have a good night and thanks for those who always comment on my posts, I like reading your comments and by the way I will stop being lazy and try to write more and reply to you guys or at least my emails.

Ps: Aah I found a four-leaf- clover today :)

Christmas cards.

Topshop necklace.

Lovely weather :(


sweeeeeeet darling.

Sometimes I wonder if my heart could stop beating all of the sudden, the same thought keeps comming when I am on an airplane. I always think that the engine of the aircraft could suddenly stop working, because it's been working non stop and things always come to an end. I dont really like having these thoughts. Sometimes I also have issues about breathing, it's like my brain comands it, I always think that I will not breathe if my minds tells me not to and then I get shortness of breath. it is so weird haha.

I had a really bad day this week, it was the awful strangely called 'Wednesday' so I wrote something on my mobile notes while I was in hell I mean on the bus. reading it now sounds kinda funny.

I hate today.
I have the fact that I lost my oyster card, I hate having to pay for a single journey ticket, I hate standing in this crowded bus, I hate people saying 'excuse me' to come trough when there's no even space to breathe, I hate people voices, I hate slow people, I hate PMS and being angry and emotive at the same time, I hate this weather, I hate my coat, I hate listening to the bus recorded voice saying ' Please move down inside the bus' I hate people staring at me, I hate myself today.

Today'song: What Katie Did - The Libertines

Mood

by me
procrastination to do college work, chores and even a cup of coffee !today I'm lazy :/